April 29, 2007
Dear Bluff City Citizens:
Spring time is here and it’s time for growth and improvement! It’s time to finally fix the potholes and reseed the yards where our Snow Redistribution © efforts went a little awry. And we need to replace all the mailboxes that were destroyed by Snow Redistribution ©. And all the downtown parking meters. And the statue of Jezediah Ezekiel Horton Smith that stood in the center of the downtown roundabout. You get the idea: we have a bit of cleaning up to do.
So as the mayor of this fine city, it is my job to motivate our stalwart workforce to take on those challenges and to finish them with pride, resourcefulness, and completion! But how do I motivate my personnel to undertake this massive job? Every year we’re stuck with the same issue, and every year its November before we get everything cleaned up from the previous winter. How do I change that paradigm?
The other morning, as I sipped my usual giant cup of coffee, I contemplated the various aspects of motivation I have at my disposal. I’ve been mayor for a long time, thanks to you fine, wise people, and I’ve learned a lot of techniques for getting people to do what you want them to do. I still say flogging was about the best motivational technique ever devised, but I realize that times have changed and I admit that flogging has probably seen the end of its days. But, man it worked well when applied correctly!
So with flogging out of the question, what’s left? I took another sip of coffee and it hit me! Like a bolt of lightning from above, I came up with a fantastic new way to motivate our workforce! We’ll start a new award recognition program for those personnel who show initiative, resourcefulness, determination, and competence. It will be an elite award, given only to those persons showing exceptional quality in their work! The requirements will be stern and it will not be easy, but receiving the reward will be worthwhile. It will denote a level of excellence above and beyond. As the Marines say, it will be earned, never given.
We’ll make it a special commemorative coffee mug! And we’ll offer the award to the citizens of Bluff City, as well! We’ll recognize those citizens who go above and beyond the call of duty in helping others! Everyone will want one of these coffee mugs! But it will be a hard fought award and only those who strive hard enough will earn one!
We’ll start a whole new social movement of kindness and proficiency in Bluff City! Maybe it will even spread throughout Bluff County! Maybe even the whole state! So start your random acts of kindness now – we’re watching (through the new traffic red-light cameras we installed downtown with our Homeland Security funds)!
We’ll call it the Bluff City Better Beaver Award!
It will be fantastic! It will be my legacy!
Sincerely,
Percy J. Brown
Your Honorable Mayor
Civil Servitude by Jackson Press 