April 29, 2009
Dear Bluff City Citizens:
We need a new image, my fellow citizens! We need a better image.
Last night I was watching the local evening news and they were talking about the recent quadruple homicide that took place yesterday on the North side of town. They interviewed several residents who lived around the house where the homicides happened and I was unpleasantly surprised at the large number of Bluff City citizens interviewed that were missing lots of teeth. It was just plain frightening!
I’m talking toothless, gaping, jack-o-lantern grins that would look right at home in West Virginia. Except Bluff City’s in Ohio and we expect Ohioians to have most, if not all, of their teeth (fake or not). But such was not the case here. There were massive, noticeable gaps and vast black holes in the smiles of our fine citizens. I shuddered at the thought of what folks around the nation would think of us if this story were picked up nationally. Imagine CNN broadcasting this story and the fine people of New York or Chicago seeing this and thinking that everyone in Bluff City is toothless fool! I was embarrassed and ashamed and I have most of my teeth!
Is it too much for people to pop their dentures in before talking on-camera? Is it too much to wish for people to want to have good oral hygiene? Do we really need to create a law requiring people to display all of their teeth (real or manufactured) whenever out in public? Is it possible to legislate our way to perfect smiles? Our smiles and the condition of our teeth say volumes about our lives, our homes, and our town, about how we treat ourselves and our environment. To not floss is just like throwing litter out the car window while driving down Main Street.
Is that the kind of town you want to live in?! No? Me, either.
So if you don’t have all your teeth, do everyone a favor and go see a dentist. Get more teeth. If you can’t afford to see a dentist? Well, that’s a different problem, which the Federal government is working on, so just don’t smile on-camera in the meanwhile. We need the rest of America to NOT think we’re all hillbillies. And if we don’t start bringing in new Big City folks seeking a small town “Mayberry” experience by buying the foreclosed and abandoned homes that litter Bluff City, we’ll never get out of this economic mess!
Yes, it all hinges on teeth. I’m not asking for perfect smiles or even perfect teeth; I’m just asking for teeth! And to show my commitment to this effort, we’re giving away 100 free toothbrushes to the first 100 people at Bluff City city hall this week.
Sincerely,
Percy J. Brown
Your Honorable Mayor
Civil Servitude by Jackson Press 