A Treatise on Passwords As A Barometer For General Work (Dis)Satisfaction

 

August 8, 2011

A Treatise on Passwords As A Barometer For General Work (Dis)Satisfaction

You know you’ve had it with your job when the passwords you use to log into your computer at work are made up of phrases like “fedup!” and “bullshit!” and “poophead!” and “failure!” and “asswipe!”. We have to change our passwords every 90 days, and as you can see from my long list of previous passwords, my general malaise with work has gone on much, much longer than 90 days.

But you must also take note of the fact that all my passwords end with exclamation points!! I believe these exclamation points serve as proof that there is an optimist buried deep down in my soul. It makes them seem more important than their rather pedestrian and literal usage to denote actual exclamation, as if I might regularly yell “ASSWIPE!” or “POOPHEAD!” at my computer every time I log into it. God knows I have been known to swear bitterly at my computer from time to time, using very similar language strung together in long phrases of far saltier language. I also use the exclamation point in my passwords because we’re required to use one character and the exclamation point is my favorite!! It is also the easiest one to find on the keyboard on Monday mornings. It’s the shift-one key, in case you didn’t know.

But don’t let the generally depressing or hateful passwords make you think there haven’t been some positive periods in my job. Reviewing my list of old passwords, which I write down and keep in the top desk drawer next to my computer like everyone else does, I see where I’ve used many upbeat and positive phrases. In fact, “upbeat!” and “positive!” are both phrases I used in past passwords. And continuing with the optimistic theme I have also used “newagain!” and “lookup!” and “blessed!”, so I haven’t always been a depressed, hateful employee when it comes to my job. At least not as far as my password history would indicate. 

Or maybe it’s more that I selected these positive passwords in an effort to fool myself into being more upbeat and positive? 

Maybe I used those positive passwords knowing that every time I logged into my computer, which I do many times each day, I might actually be subliminally readjusting my attitude, trying to make my work day just a little bit brighter? Maybe I was sending myself a subconscious message of hope, coming straight from my heart and headed straight to my brain, all through my keyboard. It’s the magic of positive thinking!

Well, it’s not working. 

In fact, my latest password is “fedup”, which would seem to indicate that maybe I’m a little fed up with work and my pathetic subliminal attempts to make it more positive. And now my concern is that we’re standing at the edge of a downward spiral here, where all hope, ambition, and talent get sucked below into a vacuum of apathy that will eventually lead to a final password – “goingpostal!” 

Oddly enough, reviewing my list of old passwords is a lot like reading through old journals. Each one is a very, very succinct indicator of my general mood towards work at the time. And the list of old passwords I’m still currently keeping goes back five years and is an interesting mix of both positive and negative. Oddly enough, it appears as if the positive stage of password usage began about the same time we started going back to church, which does show some positive benefits from going to church, namely that it has kept me from going postal sooner.

But now even church has become a frustrating clash of questions about myth, history, science and a TV show called “Ancient Aliens,” which claims that aliens visited and even actively influenced our ancient cultures. Once you get over the initial lunacy of this premise, namely by accepting that there have to be other life forms far more intelligent than us because even a cursory review of YouTube videos will prove how stupid the human species really is, ancient aliens doesn’t seem so far fetched. And part of my aggravation with religion in its current modern forms is that it does not confidently rectify the archaeological and scientific ancient past with any of its current texts. 

The Bible does not explain Machu Pichu in Peru. The Koran does not mention Gobekli Tepe in Turkey (Google it). 

Religion is a cultural mystical phenomenon dreamed up by ancient humans to bring law, order, and explanation to early civilizations of uneducated masses. And the fact that these religions continue to thrive today, despite our fantastic educations and vast store of Internet knowledge, speaks volumes to the fact that we are still a vastly superstitious species worried about what happens when we die. We grasp for anything we can find to explain the unknown and unknowable, even when so much of the previously unknown is now answerable by science, if we only try to understand it. Only most of us are too stupid, as proven again by YouTube, which is why religion is easier to accept than the Big Bang. 

But I was talking about passwords as a miniature history of my overall attitude towards work, wasn’t I?